Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
