saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
this is an emotional support booty call
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
