from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
