That's intense
Plan B is the new Plan A
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
