I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
