I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
