i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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