you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
