what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
