I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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