I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Your dad touched me again.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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