apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
