Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
