Where is the hickey?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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