I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
