I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
