I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
