I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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