Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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