I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
