For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
