the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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