I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
