Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
