talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
