it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
