Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I need moral support for this bender
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
