I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
