you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
