remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I take back everything I said about communal showers
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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