Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
