Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
