Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
