i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
