apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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