dude i'm inner monologue high
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
