I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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