I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
His nipple licking is glorious
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