he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
