Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
