my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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