i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
