Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
