I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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