i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
