Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
