roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
