I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's rum buckets o'clock
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
