I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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