OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
