the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She even gives head with a lisp.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
