You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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