those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
