she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
