There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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