YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
