All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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